I'm not obsessed

So, I have two user accounts that I use on my laptop. They have different bookmarks, documents, pictures, and so on. I won't get into the reason I have two, but I do and both have important things to me.

Less than a half an hour ago, one was wiped clean. I haven't backed my computer up fully in too long. All of my bookmarked fic, blogs, psychology links, documents, ideas saved in word there, and other things I really liked and wanted to keep/remember are GONE. I'm quite possibly over attached to all of it, because I first felt like I wanted to throw up and now I feel as if I've lost something huge. I'm going to get my computer fully backed up tomorrow and I'm seeing if anything can be recovered, but I don't know if it will help at all. I'm especially upset about losing my fic links. They were sorted so that I could find what I wanted easily so I could get what I needed quickly. All of my history was gone too, so I can't find anything that way. Losing all of that stuff feels kind of like permanently losing contact with a friend.

From now on I've got to start backing up regularly and making posts for myself where I just list all of my bookmarks, since those can't be backed up.

I'm finally catching up on this season of Supernatural. So far I like it as long as I allow myself to see this (and last) season as something related to, but separate from the previous seasons. It hurts too much if I stay attached to the Sam and Dean and the brothers' relationship of the past. I've also come to realize that this is one of the few shows where I've stopped feeling a desire to ship. Granted, I could see this as "Sam and Dean broke up, Dean's with Cas now" if I wanted to, but I don't. It's freeing in a way. I do think Cas might me a little in love with Dean, but I don't think Dean's interested in anyone.

Anyway, I should go finish the ep I'm on. I promised a friend that I would watch as many as I can today so we can finally talk about them.

I got addicted to fandom secrets. Not writing them (though I'm tempted), but reading them. I've also realized that I don't really participate in fandom anymore. I don't know why it took me so long, but I'm mostly a lurker now. I think it's because I can't deal with some of the craziness and would rather just have a friendly conversation about a show/movie I like without worrying about "OMG UR WRONG" kinds of things. I know there are places where it doesn't get like that, but all of the intensity just doesn't do it for me anymore. I love analyzing and I do ship, but I think I'm at the point where I'd rather try to convince my RL friends to talk about the shows the way I think about them and read fic when I crave it. It certainly gives me more free time. Still, I miss it. My slash goggles are still on most of the time and I love when I can ship people (like Annie/Jeff on Community, my favorite new show ship). It's silly, but I feel like without it I won't be a part of anything.

Speaking of shipping, all the Simon Amstell related secrets make me really happy, but one of them made me realize that I kind of want to ship him with Stephen Fry. WTF brain?

ETA: The secrets about The Mighty Boosh, Criminal Minds, and Stephen Fry all make me happy too. Way happier than most secrets about shows in whose fandoms I have participated.

I have so much I could say, but frankly I don't think anyone in IJ-land cares because it's not all that interesting.

What I will say is that I now understand why Misha has so many fangirls. That and, thanks to some stuff I've heard, I want a few SPN RPS fics. Jared being sad about Jensen's engagement, Jared jealous of Jensen and Misha, Misha being jealous of J2...I haven't read anything SPN related in a really long time and might binge-read tonight.

Also, I'm actually excited for next semester. My love for the psychology department at Goucher is to blame. Once I finally declare I might get to have Dara as my adviser, which will be awesome, and by March (sometime around the 4th-7th) I will be a fourth or fifth author on some pretty interesting PUBLISHED research.

I've finally narrowed down my study abroad choices to two schools, both in the U.K. I based this primarily on academic stuff, but an awesome bonus is that I can watch certain shows legally on an actual t.v. instead of illegally on my computer.

Over on LJ I posted a lot of emotional stuff, followed by a stupid list, followed by even more personal crap no one wants to hear...er, see. I decided to spare any flisters here that nonsense and instead link to a picture of Jensen Ackles from a Smallville photoshoot. I link because I still haven't educated myself on html and don't know how to post a picture, which is stupid because I could learn how by visiting my dear friend Google. Anyway, the link is: http://i472.photobucket.com/albums/rr84/pinky20/ja2.jpg

( thoughts after the cut )

Also, I don't feel like getting ready to go back to school. After a month of break I know I'll have to re-adjust now that I'm used to being at home.

Is it weird that I want to use a person I know in real life who is not famous in any way as a play-by if I rp again? He's so pretty, see? http://web.mac.com/jasonheymann/iWeb/jasonheymann/home.html Plus he makes so many great facial expressions and there are a ton of facebook pictures that I could use. I feel like such a creeper about this, especially since we haven't talked in three years because I didn't go back to camp as Avodah or a counselor and that was our main reason for interacting. I had a huge crush on him too, because he was nice and smart and could act and sing and...ahem.

Also, here's a poem that is funny.
Hemingway Afternoon - Lisa Buscani

Wesleptwewokeweatewefuckedwesleptwewoke
weatewefucked...

DarlingIloveyoudoyoulovemedarling
Iloveyoudoyouloveme....

IamanmanIamamanIamamanlymanthemostmanlymanIam...

Closethomosexualclosethomosexual
closethomosexual...

Bullfightingbullfightingbullfightingbullfigthing...

It was good.

I'm still doing that thing where I plan on posting and know what I want to write about, but never get around to it. I was going to vent about writing something for school, but I don't feel like it anymore. I was also going to talk about some things that inspire me to be a better person and all that, but it can wait.

I spent most of yesterday reminiscing about music I liked when I was younger but no longer really listen to. It led me to this really cool band that broke up because they're not in college together anymore. It also made me remember the time my sister and I met a boy band at COSI but didn't know who they were. (We had gone to meet Bill Nye the Science Guy. I was in fourth or fifth grade.) I wonder if they remembered the place and what they thought of the little girl showing them how to use the stuff there or the woman who told them to stay in school.

Also, one of my friends in my hall has a brother who came to visit today. He's around my height and is kind of cute, but he's in a relationship right now. I know that there are "issues" going on with said relationship, but I'd rather not get involved. Then there's the fact that I don't know how old he is, what he thinks of me, or what his political views are. He's funny though, and it's unusual for me to like someone because he or she makes me laugh. It's apparently common for other people, but I tend to just enjoy whatever's funny the same way I do with my mom's jokes. I am pretty attracted to the way Geoff Trenchard mixes humor, passion, serious things, and poetry. His performances make me want to jump him.

The cute girl I mentioned before just got transferred into my English class. Why can't it have been a theatre class or at least one that doesn't make me loathe everything I produce? Writing for school is one of those things where I will never think I'm any good. She's in a club I'm in that I kind of figured she would join anyway. I didn't join because of her, but it made sense for her to be in it.

This is why I need to get a schedule of some sort going so I don't forget to take my pill every day.

My first week-and-a-half here has been ok so far. I've got some friends, my roommate included (though she's a little sheltered and awkward), and I started classes today. So far they seem fun, but I can feel the anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I'm terribly afraid of failure and it makes everything difficult. Spanish 230 is especially making me nervous, but I'll find out how ready I am tomorrow. I also didn't take my meds as regularly as I should have over the summer, so I'm nervous that my depression might be like it was at the beginning of last year. As of this moment I have that melancholy feeling that is usually a tip off, but it could just be my boredom, nerves, and tiredness.

Co-ed bathrooms with tiny showers make shaving really uncomfortable because I feel like I'm going to fall out of the stall. My grade has only 97 boys or so and girls are claiming them already, which sucks because there are some really cute ones that I, of course, don't have the nerve to really talk to unless I have an excuse of some kind. There's also a girl who's totally my type and seems really sweet judging for the one conversation we've had.

More later.

Got a new computer and I don't like it yet. I'm used to my old crappy laptop that I complain about. I was going to type up this thing about my obsession with memorizing songs and my interest in Joseph Gordon-Levitt (mostly justifying it), but I'll wait until I feel like typing more on this thing. Instead I'll leave you with this piece of information about me.

I don't understand why people think masturbation is wrong. I think it's a good way to relax and learn about what you like. It doesn't hurt anyone. Hell, I did it a year before my mom explained that my chest was sensitive because I was "budding" and then bought me a book about puberty. Granted, what I thought about didn't involve sex, but still.

Huh, that was longer than I thought. Probably too much information.

I just posted this to LJ. I stole the title from a line in The Lookout

J2 ideas keep popping into my head lately. I blame the Olympics and the soundtrack to Mulan for these two that I actually kind of like.
1. The boys are a synchronized diving team. Fighting, laughing, etc happens.
2. Jensen is Shang and Jared is Mulan in a modern-day setting of some sort. Starts out in an I'll Make a Man Out of You situation, and Jared really wants to impress Jensen.

I've also gotten really into clothes and trying to actually find a style other than t-shits, jeans, and hoodies/jackets. I want to incorporate more hats, get more shoes, and play with clothes more. I'll probably end up with a mix of hippie stuff, biker/tough chick stuff, pinstripes and suit style, and grungy comfort pieces. I kind of want to post stuff I like so I remember it, but I don't want to end up seeming like a fashion blog. I quite enjoy writing at random about whatever I feel like when I get around to actually posting. I have my materialistic moments, but I really do care about other things and I like having a place to rant about all of the things I'm thinking.

My obsession with Joseph Gordon-Levitt has been strengthened yet again. I saw The Lookout and loved it even though I spent a good deal of time very upset and telling the characters to stop being mean or stupid or whatever. I'm close to referring to him as Joe Gordon-Levitt or Joe, which I don't want to do because I don't actually know him.

I know who my roommate is, her interests, and have talked to her on the phone and emailed her about planning stuff. She seems nice enough, though I think she may have been humoring me and the strange things I say. I wasn't kidding when I said I often want to go to the playground, have a juice box, and play pretend.

That's all I can think of, except that I leave for school in a week, still haven't gotten far in my summer reading book, and I still haven't been thinking about leaving. I'm probably subconsciously trying to prevent myself from freaking out.

Blah.

ETA: (Everything following is not on LJ. I just like having this noted.) I saw The Wackness and loved it. I've known for awhile now that Josh Peck has gotten kinda hot, and now I also know that he's a pretty good actor. I want to hug him.

I want to feel more intelligent and informed, read more deep stuff, and be interesting. Unfortunately, I think trying to hard to do so is annoying so I probably won't.

Maybe for the identity thing for FOSTER I can just present what I post here. It's got a lot about how I view myself.

Yet again I made a list of stuff about which I wanted to post. I even wrote it down! I know it included an article in the Utne Reader about bandslash and why women write/read/enjoy it, thoughts about early childhood development, the current slave trade, and other deep stuff, but I don't know where I put the napkin on which I wrote. I'm also trying to not end sentences in prepositions which is why this post sounds so weird in my head.

I finally emailed the girl who is going to be my roommate this coming year. I'm being even lazier about all of the other moving in things. I don't have most of the things I need and I need to get rid of all of the clothes I never actually wear.

I saw the movie Tank Girl yesterday. I loved it and I'm not sure why. Jes and I thus had to come up with more silly nicknames for each other than we will rarely use. In addition to being Elianto and Toshika, we are now TankGirl and JetGirl or Tank and Jet. My guess is we'll use them when leaving messages on each other's phones.

I downloaded Dr. Horrible on iTunes, but the images aren't working right. My computer is also even more broken, so hopefully I'll get a new one before the disc drive snaps off completely.

What else...I've been weirdly manic lately. It could be that I've been taking my meds regularly, so I'm not depressed enough to handle being home alone most of the day. This is why you don't get a job that falls through but don't know it until it's too late. Luckily my friends just see my insane ideas and need to do stuff as fun.

Apparently I'm really good with kids. I know I'm good with them, but I was told I have a gift twice today and I didn't think I was even at my best. Earlier this summer I made the good people of Wyoming, Ohio want to get me to move there so I could play Super!Babysitter. I made friends with a 3 or 4-year-old girl in Peru who only spoke Quechua, so maybe they're right. My secret is that I easily get into their mentality. Being a teenager makes you cool anyway, and depending on the age you talk about the right thing or play peekaboo or just play with them. If all else fails, see if they want to race you.

I got into the early orientation program I applied for at college. Now I know for sure when I leave and all of that. Unfortunately, the letter telling me who my roommate is and what dorm I'm in isn't in yet, which means I'm not done shopping.

I spent way too much time today on YouTube. After some fangirling about J2 I realized something. They are the only RPS ship I like -- previously I didn't understand why people shipped other real people. It's weird, considering I have a relationship like theirs and I know it's platonic, and I know lots of guys who act like they do with each other, but I just want to believe that Jared and Jensen are involved. Maybe i's just the slasher in me.

I'm back from visiting family friends. I had a ton of fun and they really are like family to me, especially the kids. The eldest is five-and-a-half, is a princess, and is very dramatic. The middle one is more of a tomboy, like dinosaurs, and is almost four. The youngest is the boy, who is two and obsessed with firefighters and trucks. I nicknamed him Goofer and he is the most adorable thing ever. Both girls are strong readers and have surprising vocabularies. The middle one, for example, is writing a story for her brother called "Emergency Vehicles." (It's adorable and is currently three simple sentences.)

If I had to pick a favorite it would be the middle one (who I shall call Sunny), because we get along the best. I loose patience for the drama the eldest (who I shall call Layla) makes, though I love her to bits, and Goofer prefers his mommy to me. Sunny likes to use me as a giant jungle gym. That, combined with the fact that their new misfit of a rescue dog hates all non-family and bit me, is what's making me feel like crap.

http://heykidbiteme.insanejournal.com/13743.html?view=365999#t365999

I promise to say nice things about you back :).

I'm so happy I made a request over at hollow_art on LJ. I suck with html, but here's the link to the lovely base icons of Danny Smith laurasue made: http://community.livejournal.com/hollow_art/397631.html

Danny is the guy in my Big Wolf on Campus moodtheme as well as the "vox, guitar, keys" of a band called The City Drive, of which I am a fan.

I hate stupid tornado warnings.

Also, I really should take my medication every day. I feel a little emotionally unstable right now. I keep getting teary.

I love looking at differences is terms in different places (like how one sandwich can be a sub, a hoagie, or a grinder). I was going to use the word dialect, but that is apparently specific to phonetics. My dad calls them "regionalisms," because he likes to be accurate like that. I know because I was talking to him about this recently, since I'm a big dork.

( The meme that's the actual point of this post. )

Josh Radnor gave a great speech for graduation. It was funny, poignant, and positive without being annoying. His on-the-spot stuff was good and made everyone laugh, and my mom won't stop talking about how fantastic he was. I kind of wish I had hidden paper and a pencil in my robe so I could get some of the good quotes written down. He's also really handsome in person. I'm glad I didn't blush when I shook his hand after they handed me my diploma.

While we were waiting in the theater to be let onto the field where graduation was going to be held, Josh came in and sat in the back. When I saw him it was weird in the way I imagine someone stepping out of a tv and sitting in a room with you would be (minus impossibility of that situation of course).

Unfortunately, the only quotes I can remember are
-"Uh, Josh Radnor told us not to listen to out brains."
-"Dude, our brains are telling us to say that!"
-"So get comfortable with the discomfort of it."
-"Sixteen years ago I was standing here giving my speech as class president. Sixteen years ago you were two." (I think. This one could be wrong.)

Anyway, I graduated Magna Cum Laude, managed to find white clothes to wear under that stupid effing white robe, dyed the streaks in my hair blue, and ate a delicious dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. It was a good day.

I keep thinking of things I want to post here, but then decide that I'd rather read. For example, I was going to post this thing about my sister and my dad and the emotional stuff I've been dealing with (the grammar part of my brain is now screaming "with which I've been dealing), but instead I watched Torchwood. I wanted to vent about my tv shows and ended up reading fanfic instead.

I'm going to let myself do that now though. I'm too excited.
Josh Radnor is going to be the speaker at my graduation!!! Just eight days until I get to both graduate and meet an actor I think is really handsome.

Celebracadabra: Hal Sparks + C. Thomas Howell = happy!me.

Dexter: Duuuuuude, Morales and Gloria Nathan from OZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Michael C. Hall is nice too, but I want them to bring on more of the Oz cast. Chris Meloni plays crazy killer quite well, Lee Tergesen is amazing-tastic, and Kirk Acevedo makes the best totured puppy ever (even with the straight teeth that I don't like on him). Oh, and George Morfogen rules.

I just realized we have HBO on Demand. Life is good.